I get knocked down, but I get up again. You’re never going to keep me down! -Chumbawumba
Public Service Announcement: No, we’re not talking about tee-shirts. We’re not like Mr. Hooper. We’re not talking about treasure boating or day sailing. No we’re talking about the real wife beaters. Today we bid adieu to a real wife beater. Today we bid adieu to Bobby Cox. I’ve heard people say, “Bobby Cox did it the right way.” If by the right way you mean getting arrested by police at his home, jailed overnight and being charged with simple battery after punching his wife and pulling her hair, then ya, sure. Pulling her hair? C’mon you sissy, knock it off. After the jump, we’ll look at other members of the All Wife Beating team.
Jason Kidd
At 6’4″, from the University of California, Jason Kidd. This NBA superstar belted his beautiful wife during an argument at the dinner table. The two were eating with their gargantuan headed son. Kidd then alledgedly took a french-fry from Junior big head’s plate. The wife did not like this one bit and said so. Kidd, in turn, spat the alledged fry into her face. Another assist for Kidd. As she turned away, Jason punched the lovely lady in the face for the triple double. Yikes! Joumana said, “There’s just a bad history here.” Ya think? She also said, “I told him this would be the last time, and he popped me right in the mouth.” That’ll teach her. Ms. Kidd later stated, “What happened the other night was good… because it’s brought us a lot closer together.” Nothing like a good old fashioned beating to rekindle the old sparks.
Wil Cordero
Number 25, playing first base, from Mayaguez, Puerto Rico, Wil “the Thrill” Cordero- After getting plastered with his teamates following a double-header loss at Fenway Park, Cordero came home stumblin’ bumblin’ drunk and attacked his wife Ana. First, he slapped her real good like, when that wasn’t enough, Cordero thought it would be wise to smash her in the head with a telephone, leaving her nose all bloodied up. And if that wasn’t enough, he threatened to kill her. What is wrong with people? Dan Duquette used to love to call Cordero a “professional hitter.” Maybe Duquette knew what he was talking about. Cordero was later released by the Red Sox, but not before getting booed relentlessly by Sox fans whenever he came to bat.
Lex Luger
At 6’4″, weighing in at 265 lbs, hailing from Buffalo, New York, formerly know as the Narcissist, formerly known as the Total Package, Ex USFL Memphis Showboat & Tampa Bay Bandit. Ex- CFL Montreal Alouette. Ex-NFL Green Bay Packer. NWA/WCW Heavyweight Champion. WCW World Champion. NWA/WCW Tag Team Champion. Ranked #2 in the WWF. Wrestling phenom Lex Luger. The first time the police visited Luger, he was arrested for beating the crap out of his live in girlfriend, the Lovely Elizabeth. You remember her, Macho Man’s girl. Now this is where it gets kind of funky. Two weeks later, Lex was arrested by Georgia cops after they found steroids in his house. Why were the cops at his abode, you ask? They were there investigating the death of Miss Elizabeth. Hmm, dead girlfriend, all hepped up on the juice, just got busted 2 weeks prior for body slamming her around. I’m no Columbo, but c’mon.
Side Note- Luger was booked to win the WWF World championship at Wrestlemania X. However, he got bombed out of his mind just before WrestleMania, and told anyone who would listen. Poor Lex was never again given any run for the WWF title.
Michael Pittman
At running-back, 6’0, 230 lbs, out of The Fresno State University, New Orleans’ own, Michael Pittman. Pittman is not not your run of the mill wife beater, oh no. He’s a serial coward. He was mad, so he took his Hummer and smashed into his wife’s car. Not only was his wife in the car, but so was their 2-year-old bundle of joy, and baby sitter. No first time offender, Pittman was already on probation for two previous girl stomping escapades. He was sentenced to a yearlong batterers treatment program. How was that program? Helpful? And, if that weren’t enough, Melissa, his wife, told police, “There were 30 to 40 prior domestic violence situations that were never reported to the police.” Goodness. 30 to 40? I’m not one to judge, but that seems a bit excessive.
Barry Bonds
What All-Star team would be complete without All-World Barry Bonds. After a game, one afternoon, Mrs. Bonds wanted to hang out with some friends. Mr. Nice Guy told her that she could not leave the house “until the children were fed their dinner.” How can you have your pudding, if you haven’t fed the children their dinner? Pink Floyd style. She fed the the little cherubs and went out. She didnt get home till real late. Like 11:30 pm. How does he put up with that stuff? Anyway, she gets home and starts looking for her birth control pills. Barry’s not having it. He throws her against the car and grabs her around the neck. Again, he strangles her, and throws her down the stairs. Not to bet deterred, Mrs Bonds, came back to get her pills. At that point, did she need them that bad? It doesn’t seem like anything was gonna happen any time soon anyway. Barry really showed her who’s boss this time though, smashing her to the ground and kicking her around a couple a times. I really hate this guy, and he wonders why “people are out to get him.” Jerk.
Dishonorable Mentions
- Pedro Astacio- Once the ace of the Colorado Rockies pitching staff, pleaded guilty to third-degree assault for punching his wife, Ana, in the face. Good work.
- Bobby Chouinard – Arizona Diamondbacks middle reliever. The 27-year-old pitcher terrorized his wife, Erica, choking her, slapping her, and finally pointing a loaded handgun at her head.
- Jose Canseco- Rammed his first wife’s car with his own, then five years later was back in court after hitting his second wife in the face. Little roid rage?
- Rae Carruth- Carolina Panthers- Murdered his pregnant girlfriend and then hid in the trunk of his car.
- Steve “Mustafa” Muhammad – Colts- Spared a murder rap when a coroner determined that his pregnant wife, Nichole, died as a result of injuries sustained in a November car crash, not the beating he delivered several days earlier.
- Riddick Bowe – Bowe dragged his wife across the floor, leaving her with cuts on her knees and elbows, following an altercation. The former Heavyweight Champeen was arrested and charged with third-degree assault.
- Armando Benitez- SF Giants- Benitez was charged with domestic battery for his actions during a beating he gave to his former girlfriend Stacy O’Neill.
- Tonya Harding- Threw a hubcap at her boyfriend, and proceeded to punch him repeatedly in the face. This is my all-time favorite.
- Allen Iverson- Threw his wife, Tawanna, out the front door of their home and then went hunting her down with a gun.
- Anthony Carter- Minnesota Vikings- Carter punched his wife in the face and threw her to the ground a bunch of times. He also pointed a .45-caliber handgun at her head and wouldn’t let her leave their house or call for help. She said he finally let her out two hours after the beat down to walk the dog.
- John Daly- Hurled his wife against a wall, pulled her hair, and trashed the house. Why do these guys always pull hair, I don’t get it.
- Sugar Ray Leonard- Smacked his wife around with his fists and threw her about the house “on more than one occasion.” He threw lamps and broke mirrors. Ray Leonard denied none of this. At a press conference, he admitted to punching his wife senseless.
- Chuck Knoblauch- According to a criminal complaint, Knoblauch’s wife told police he hit her in the face and choked her at their Houston home.
Public Spectacle:
Peace out homies. Six Two and Even!
